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Monthly Archives: June 2013

“She’s Gone Missing”

tucson screen shot

During the 6 past months or so, I have experienced a feeling of being lost. And truthfully, I think many people have noticed that I have gone ‘missing.’ Some may have been aware of this while I was at home – dealing with my chronic pain and numerous ailments that were quickly becoming overwhelming. Others have actually witnessed my departure from my church, my home and my state.

I am feeling lost because right now I AM LOST.

Now, blogging about that wasn’t something I wanted to do…because I don’t want to drag anyone down by that.

But here’s the truth – some of you might be feeling lost as well…

I have a sense of this because I see who responds to what kind of dirt-digging honesty I dredge up and publish…

And I hear from those of you who understand that honesty…

Some of you are feeling lost as well.

The important thing is … I don’t think we should feel like we are lost and all alone in that – nor do I believe we should stay there.

My ‘lost’ experience is clearly rooted in my identity as a woman, a wife and a mother.

I am all those persons and more. But the core of who I am began long ago and I think I’ve misplaced who I am in the midst of life’s expectations.

I stroll through my collection of old pictures and I see myself at ages 2, 5, or 7 years and I think…

“Where is that little girl? That feisty, scrappy, tiny – but loud – little girl?”

“Where is the girl who loved playing tag, hide-n-seek, and Barbie dolls?”

“Where is the child who rode her bike all day, liked to fish, wanted to hammer nails in her Daddy’s workshop, chewed Bazooka gum, and told secrets?” (Ok, and lots of lies too – shhhhh)

workshop

long island

That’s still who I am inside – but somehow I have had those really fun-loving parts of me buried under {LIFE}.

We all experience a little loss of who we were as children under the responsibilities of adulthood and the complexities of life to some extent. But I think I fell prey to the notion that being an adult meant changing who you were into something that was expected of you and becoming defined by those around me or being defined by what was happening to me.

And the funny thing is, nobody explains that to you as you grow and mature and marry and have your children. Although, come to think of it, maybe there have been women in my life that have come alongside me and hugged me and have given me the knowing look that says – “I understand what you’re dealing with.”

This explanation of how your life will change – it might not always come from your Mom, but I’ve met a few of women through the years that I believe they were trying to communicate this to me in their own way.

So, here I am, on a respite from my life. How often does THAT come along? Can I say, I give a HUGE amount of credit to my husband for allowing this? I have had an epiphany of sorts and that is … that I’ve been given permission to wander in the desert.

And yes, I am literally IN the desert.

I’m getting a huge break from my chronic neck pain, my asthma and from the stressors of my everyday life. I don’t feel as rushed, as worried, or as angry, but I also don’t hear the laughter or happiness that comes in small snippets throughout the day from the crazy antics of my family members or pets. That makes things difficult at times.

But during this respite, my focus is sharper.

My confusion is deeper.

My indecisiveness is at an all-time high.

And God is speaking –

Louder & Clearer

Make no mistake here…a desert experience isn’t a picnic. (It’s more like a lot of bottled water and healthy snacks.) But confusion and indecisiveness have never been a normal thing for me so I feel like this time in my life has helped me see the bigger picture.

Actually, the picture is enormous.

It all begins with a God who is Infinite.

A God who is abundant in Grace.

A God who is fathomless in His Forgiveness.

A God who is big enough to bring us through the Desert – under His Almighty protection.

A God who promises never to leave us or forsake us – Regardless of our fleeing into the desert.

Because THAT is how BIG my God is…

 
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Posted by on June 30, 2013 in Life, in general, Writing

 

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Five Minute Friday – Rhythm

sabino roadcropped

My pace is even and the road is flat but steadily climbs uphill.  I trod along to the rhythm of my music.  My playlist contains upbeat songs that I use for cleaning, but also for hiking.

The sun is strong here in the beginning, but soon the high canyon walls will provide the shade I need to make it at least 6 miles.

I’m clearing the cobwebs from my brain by using the rhythm of something natural – my walk through the canyon.

My head feels clear and before I know it, God is speaking loudly through my surroundings.  I’m not sure why He chose to kick up the volume on this particular day, but I am hearing Him loud and clear.

I pause to guzzle my water, I type notes in my iPod, I walk on, then God speaks again and again.  Through the steady rhythm of my activity He accompanies me with His very own rhythm and His presence – pointing out more analogies than I can fathom or type out.

I use my camera to capture what seems to be the silliest things in my view finder.

I want to absorb each lesson He shows me here in the desert today.  He always knows where I am, but today He chose to match me step for step as I walked.  He knew I was ready for the big download of info He had for me.  

Be strong and courageous.

Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged,

for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.

Joshua 1:9 NIV

*Curious about Five Minute Friday?  It’s like a Flashmob for writers.*

A bunch of us, with a one-word prompt, write fearlessly for FIVE minutes and link up together. Join us!

http://lisajobaker.com/

 
 

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~Listen~

I may be in a different time zone and the LORD only knows where my head and heart are right now, but it’s time for…

Five Minute Friday

(It’s like a Flashmob for writers)

~Listen~

I hear the sounds of growth, the sounds of Love

Hovering over you and me and healing the pain from the cracks and crevices where growth emerges.

Listen and you will hear the sound of growth, but it is not always familiar.

It comes amongst the grunts and groans of life.

It comes during the times when God says “No.” or “Not now.”

But, if you listen, it’s there.

The burgeoning, flourishing, and sprouting that occurs in all of God’s creation.

Is it possible to hear growth or change or rebirth?

Does it come with a noise that makes it distinguishable and audible?

Yes, I believe it does….but it’s personal, and only God knows what it sounds like in you.

Shhhh, it’s happening

~Listen~

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”

Psalm 46:10

 
 

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Five Minute Friday – Imagine

Imagine
Imagine driving for 3 days across the country – by yourself.

I just completed this drive, and it spawned all sorts of stuff to write.

Problem was, I was exhausted and had no energy to dig out my notebook and pen. Let alone post it in time for Friday…

It was a long journey and some days I’m going to look back and wonder – Why? Why now? And what if I hadn’t done it?

Will it be temporary – this stay, or permanent?

The wanderings of my life – straight or slightly detoured – have always served a purpose. The purpose of this wandering has been clear on most days, but the end result remains to be seen. But, I will come away with some sort of perspective.

Last week in choir our words were part of a familiar Christian song…

“All I know is I’m not home yet”

May all our wanderings lead us home.

“When the earth shakes
I want to be found in you
When the lights fade
I want to be found in you”

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