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Tag Archives: Lost

Home?

Home?

I’m surviving without internet service and wifi except for my incredibly smart phone.

Believe it or not….

Based on that knowledge, please pardon the fact that I will be posting from my phone unless I somehow find the time to park myself at a McDonald’s and order myself a chocolate shake and borrow their wifi.

I now live in a town where it takes 7 minutes to travel 1.2 miles. A place where learning the ever-changing speed limits is as important as memorizing the location of every back-jarring pothole.

This is the place where I was born and have always considered “home.” Living here again, however, has left me feeling displaced. This could possibly stem from the fact that most of my belongings are still in my truck….

Really – after a whole month I’m still driving around with my desk, baskets, buckets of kitchenware, quilts, sewing and drawing equipment … and one really long and obnoxious rug. Oh and a couple of mosaic tables.

And I feel lost, in the most familiar place I know.

My life …

Takes up one corner of someone’s kitchen

One small bed

One small closet

One shelf in the bathroom

One spot in the driveway

And one corner of a living room (my easel and art supplies)

This…. Is not my home.

Hmmm I wonder when I will no longer feel “lost.”

Pictures of “Home”

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“She’s Gone Missing”

tucson screen shot

During the 6 past months or so, I have experienced a feeling of being lost. And truthfully, I think many people have noticed that I have gone ‘missing.’ Some may have been aware of this while I was at home – dealing with my chronic pain and numerous ailments that were quickly becoming overwhelming. Others have actually witnessed my departure from my church, my home and my state.

I am feeling lost because right now I AM LOST.

Now, blogging about that wasn’t something I wanted to do…because I don’t want to drag anyone down by that.

But here’s the truth – some of you might be feeling lost as well…

I have a sense of this because I see who responds to what kind of dirt-digging honesty I dredge up and publish…

And I hear from those of you who understand that honesty…

Some of you are feeling lost as well.

The important thing is … I don’t think we should feel like we are lost and all alone in that – nor do I believe we should stay there.

My ‘lost’ experience is clearly rooted in my identity as a woman, a wife and a mother.

I am all those persons and more. But the core of who I am began long ago and I think I’ve misplaced who I am in the midst of life’s expectations.

I stroll through my collection of old pictures and I see myself at ages 2, 5, or 7 years and I think…

“Where is that little girl? That feisty, scrappy, tiny – but loud – little girl?”

“Where is the girl who loved playing tag, hide-n-seek, and Barbie dolls?”

“Where is the child who rode her bike all day, liked to fish, wanted to hammer nails in her Daddy’s workshop, chewed Bazooka gum, and told secrets?” (Ok, and lots of lies too – shhhhh)

workshop

long island

That’s still who I am inside – but somehow I have had those really fun-loving parts of me buried under {LIFE}.

We all experience a little loss of who we were as children under the responsibilities of adulthood and the complexities of life to some extent. But I think I fell prey to the notion that being an adult meant changing who you were into something that was expected of you and becoming defined by those around me or being defined by what was happening to me.

And the funny thing is, nobody explains that to you as you grow and mature and marry and have your children. Although, come to think of it, maybe there have been women in my life that have come alongside me and hugged me and have given me the knowing look that says – “I understand what you’re dealing with.”

This explanation of how your life will change – it might not always come from your Mom, but I’ve met a few of women through the years that I believe they were trying to communicate this to me in their own way.

So, here I am, on a respite from my life. How often does THAT come along? Can I say, I give a HUGE amount of credit to my husband for allowing this? I have had an epiphany of sorts and that is … that I’ve been given permission to wander in the desert.

And yes, I am literally IN the desert.

I’m getting a huge break from my chronic neck pain, my asthma and from the stressors of my everyday life. I don’t feel as rushed, as worried, or as angry, but I also don’t hear the laughter or happiness that comes in small snippets throughout the day from the crazy antics of my family members or pets. That makes things difficult at times.

But during this respite, my focus is sharper.

My confusion is deeper.

My indecisiveness is at an all-time high.

And God is speaking –

Louder & Clearer

Make no mistake here…a desert experience isn’t a picnic. (It’s more like a lot of bottled water and healthy snacks.) But confusion and indecisiveness have never been a normal thing for me so I feel like this time in my life has helped me see the bigger picture.

Actually, the picture is enormous.

It all begins with a God who is Infinite.

A God who is abundant in Grace.

A God who is fathomless in His Forgiveness.

A God who is big enough to bring us through the Desert – under His Almighty protection.

A God who promises never to leave us or forsake us – Regardless of our fleeing into the desert.

Because THAT is how BIG my God is…

 
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Posted by on June 30, 2013 in Life, in general, Writing

 

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