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Silence is silver

the silver medal

I’m not sure where my voice has gone but I’m hoping it comes back. I hope that writing today when there is chaos in the house will help my focus.

I HOPE for a lot of things
*like for the child at the table to stop burping (usually that’s funny)
*or for the Banagram game to quiet down to a tolerable level
*or for the snow to hurry up and start so at least I can SEE for myself why everyone is home while the roads are still dry

Lately my silence on paper has been deafening though so that is why I have stopped all the fiddling around with art supplies in order to focus on my voice – which is essentially my writing. Last time it only had one volume – out loud, really loud – or when on paper and blog it was strong and forthcoming and somewhat rewarding.

The phrase “silence is golden” came to mind this day when I pulled out the keyboard, but that sounds like a winning opportunity – like years ago when all my children were taking naps simultaneously.

Right now, silence, in reference to writing, seems 2nd place … like a silver medal, not a gold. There’s nothing wrong with silver in the Olympics, but to some, it’s just not gold.

Silence on my keyboard is like a silver medal and I need to bring that back into my world because …

Silver:  It’s just not as significant as the big win.

So today I will write and as I begin, the noise and chaos of the house will fade …

I guess I’m on a bit of a wayward streak around here and that’s ok, but the fact that I seem to be stuck there is a big deal. And it’s not all just about writing, it’s about life.

Lately I’m catching a breath of fresh air – or catching a break – only to forget where it came from.

Sometimes I forget that for a brief moment in time I felt free from pain or free from the chaos that my life has become.

Today I will write because

I love it

I need it

It replenishes me…

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Posted by on March 18, 2014 in Life, in general, Writing

 

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Blog Rest? Nope!

Heart Tree

I have to say that I truly need a rest from writing in my blog.  There just never seems to be enough hours in the day to type, edit, and publish.

Unfortunately that idea doesn’t seem to connect with any other part of my brain.  It’s on overload most mornings when I wake up – just raring to go!

On a regular basis now I literally grab my phone on the nightstand beside the bed to type notes.  It’s sometimes too early when I wake up and have thoughts roar through my head that I can’t be trusted to remember them by the time I get to the kitchen table with coffee, pen and paper.  Once my brain has started the download I have to be ready to write down things that I pondered in my dreams or while simply lying awake at 4:30 a.m.

Anxiety usually favors the early hours to startle me awake physically and it usually gets me thinking about stuff I don’t care to think about, so writing helps.  But it’s a chore and a joy and sometimes something wonderful comes out of it.

I clearly heard his alarm, but I tried to roll over and go back to sleep.  Just maybe I could…. but no.

My thoughts were heading down hopeless paths of regret, guilt and sadness simultaneously so I wrote him a letter.  It helped me and later he read it and I think he was good with it too.

I ask a lot from the people I love.  Forgiveness, support, understanding, compassion, and on and on the list goes.

He gives it, unconditionally.

He loves me deeply and never out of pity or obligation.

He understands my pains and my messiness.

He understands my need for a lifting of the burdens from my shoulders.

He reaches into my space – invading whatever emotion I’m holding there – and loves me.

It’s not easy.  I’m feeling unlovable quite often lately.

Some days I feel so distant and weak that I simply can’t lift my hand to reach out to him.

It comes in waves, regardless of my declaration that “today will be better.”

I convey to him that I need to hear …

“We can make it.”  “I love you.”  “I know you’re struggling.”  “I know you’re trying.”

Lately I apologize as often as I tell him I love him and I rely on him to hold me together when it’s easier to fall apart.

We won’t give up.

That’s our LOVE song…we won’t give up.

I’m so thankful for this man that I met at age 15 – That was 32 years ago but it was like yesterday…

I heard a song the other day that said –

“When does a scar become a tattoo?”

“When does the sky turn back to blue?”

“When does this broken heart that I’m holding beat on it’s own?”

I imagine those scars are healing, whether I can see it happening or not.

And I know the sky is blue, even when the days are cloudy and grey.

And that broken heart?

Well, he holds me and loves me and his heart beats for two.

 
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Posted by on December 16, 2013 in Life, in general

 

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When the Landscape Changes

reddish orange maple

I swear I didn’t know it was there…

That tree in the back of the yard.

The VERY reddish-orange one.

It’s probably an odd thing to say considering that we have lived here for 9 years. But, really, I never noticed it before and it is REALLY beautiful!

This past Spring we had a large part of an old Sycamore tree taken down to keep it from falling. It was well over 60 feet tall and had already been relieved of 2 of it’s 3 trunks. It was tall, old, and wouldn’t look good toppled over the new fence or the pool.

So, because of that, an amazing thing happened …I acquired a new view of the trees that line the back of our property line.

And the view from my kitchen this Autumn is quite gorgeous … what a nice surprise while I enjoy my morning coffee!

Then it happened – a storm blew in that brought very little rain, but a WHOLE lotta WIND.

Shoot, those maples just can’t hold onto their leaves… Shame on them, why can’t they be like the mighty oaks?

How quickly the beautiful reddish-orange leaves can disappear – almost as quickly as they appeared.  Amazing how quickly the landscape can change – IF we don’t pay attention.

I love hiking and am trying to manage to go once a week because the woods are changing so fast.  That storm knocked many leaves to the ground this week and the freeze that occurred the week before?  Well, it fried more than its fare share of the tall, green plants.  So, each week, during nights and days that I wasn’t there, the woods kept changing.  That’s nature.

We, as humans, change too.  Our hopes and aspiriations and sometimes the nitty-gritty days of marriage change as well.  Especially when we aren’t paying attention and we are caught off guard by a huge storm that blows in.

Something I’ve been noticing lately is how a shift has been occurring in my marriage due to my physical issues.  These changes were forced upon me – meaning I didn’t see them coming – fought against them – succumbed to resistance in the change – then kind of threw my hands up in the air and pretty much wanted to quit.

Change happens and so does unbalance in relationships.  When this happens we need to address it and not be blind to it.

It’s time to address the shift of balance in my marriage.

~I’m no longer capable of some responsibilities~

~I need to rely on my husband to carry some extra burdens~

~I need to be thankful that he loves me and is so willing to accept the shift of control~

I hiked with a backpack yesterday and understood if I don’t shift the weight, change up the distribution, or tighten up the straps, I wasn’t going to make the whole trail.  It would hurt my neck and back worse if I didn’t work with the balance issue …

I WANT to:

ACCEPT my limits

ACT upon that knowledge and shift the weight

KEEP going down the trail

But first – I had to TRY…

{some days that’s the biggest challenge}

Shutting off the “What if” in my brain and try to see “What’s possible.”  Like … Laundry, Dishes, Writing, Hiking and occasionally remembering to defrost something for dinner!  (Energy to actually COOK it is a whole other deal)

Then, go to bed, wake up, and repeat.

I go to sleep thankful for my husband’s help and especially when he holds me at the end of the day and tells me “It’s going to be ok, we’ll get through all this.”

~Together~

~Performing the balancing act~

That is what gives me the chance to *sigh* at the end of the day.  I love this man so much.

~To have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part~

 
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Posted by on November 11, 2013 in Life, in general

 

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I have loved you…

heart shaped hands

The summer we began dating for the second time – I didn’t see any one else but you in my future. I was accused of being young and naive. Somewhere out there in the world, I was told, there were so many opportunities waiting for me. I’m not sure I saw what these “wise” people could see in my future.

I saw a blank sheet.  I saw only you.

I have loved you since I was a teenager when they whispered “She’s too young.”

I loved you when we were happy, and somewhat oblivious

I loved you when we embraced parenthood…three times and they were all girls

I loved you when you were gone overseas…no matter how many times you had to go

And I loved you when we made horrible mistakes, faced pain, anger, and uncertainty

And today, I love you more

Today, I can’t imagine a tomorrow without you.

For better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health

Happy Valentine’s Day

 
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Posted by on February 14, 2013 in Life, in general

 

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